Friendship - The Best of Life, Part 1
Every family member. Every neighbor. Every coworker. Every stranger.
Every person is a potential friend.
Isn’t it strange how the word “friend” conjures closer ties than words
like relative, sibling, or even spouse? Yet it is even a double blessing
when one’s friend happens to also be a husband, wife or family member.
Friend. One of the sweetest words in any language, whatever it is called
in that language. Friend. A person with whom you are in harmony, one
accord. Someone that understands you, someone that you understand. One
you are in rapport with. A friend is a human being who has become more
human to you than anyone else. To become a friend is to become a person
in a greater sense, at a deeper level, than merely being another human.
Friendship. Why don’t we define or describe friendship as a “ship” with
just friends on board? A ship that carries no other cargo but friends.
Really, in true friendship, the two of you do feel like you have climbed
into some kind of vessel that floats above and beyond the ordinary.
Friendship. A simple network of two persons who have discovered a
special chemistry for a relationship in which each person says things
and acts in ways that benefit the other. The epitome and glory of a life
aglow with unselfishness. Life at its peak and very best is friendship.
Yet there is an irony to friendship: the benefits of the birth of
friendship can match the blight of the death of friendship. Just as many
lives have been transformed by the discovery of true friendship, so many
lives have been torn down by the destruction of the same. Therefore, to
ease or lighten the blow of friendship’s demise, it really behooves us
to understand friendship in its many complex aspects and facets. Though
friendship itself is a very simple human relationship, there is not much
that is simplistic about the ingredients and tenets that go into making
a great friendship.
In this two-part article, let us explore the types, the bases, and the
purpose of friendship. We shall conclude with some suggestions for
handling the end of a friendship.
First, there are various types of friendship with reference to time or
timing. Every genuine friendship is a timely relationship. As such, a
friendship can be seasonal, temporary, or permanent.
1. Seasonal friendship is one that is on and off, based on the season
in either friend’s life. Seasonal friendship is only useful and
rewarding when the season is right, or else, one person or both become a
bother.
2. Temporary friendship comes to an end after it has served its
purpose. Attempts to prolong a temporary friendship may create
disrespect for a friend, resentment or even enmity towards an ex-friend.
It is often better to let a temporary friendship die, or you may find
yourself playing the undertaker, regretting why you revived the corpse
in the first place. Friendship can never be a forced relationship; so,
when it’s over, let it go.
3. Permanent friendship is the yearning of everyone who values
friendship. Yet a lifelong friend is a treasure too few and far between.
After more than 40 years on Planet Earth, I can claim about 3 permanent
friends so far, and one of them is my wife. The average person so
desires each and every friendship to be lifelong that she tries to force
the issue and keep a friendship on life support, when it would be far
better to eulogize the thing and just let it go to the trash bin of
human relationships. When you find a truly permanent friendship, the
circumstances and dynamics of that relationship will serve to sustain it
over the years. No need to repair a temp friend to make him or her perm.
Second, every friendship has a basis on which it sits and rests. It is
important to know what a friendship is based on. Friendship can be based
on affinity, personality, common bond, need or interest.
1. In an affinity-based friendship, two friends just take a natural
liking or attraction to each other. They just seem to click. It’s a
chemistry thing. This form of friendship tends to lean towards romantic
involvement, though it may develop between two people who may never drag
romance into it. Affinity friends do not have to be alike. In fact, they
may actually be opposites, but as we know from magnetic poles, opposites
can and do attract.
2. In a personality-based friendship, two individuals become friends
because they are similar; they may both be reserved (introvert),
outgoing (extrovert), or mediocre (average) for that matter. Or
politically, they may be conservative, liberal or moderate in their
views. They may both be secular, progressive, religious or traditional.
3. Common-bond friendship is one between persons of a similar
ethnicity (two Hispanics), religion (two Muslims), church (two
Baptists), nationality (two Chinese), team (two Celtics fans) or life
experience (two refugees). Yes, birds of like feather do flock together.
4. In a need-based friendship, two persons came together because one
of them had a need that the other helped meet. For example, you become
friends with the person who paid for your stay at a motel when you lost
your job or when you just got of jail. Need-based friendship can be an
uncomfortable union of unequals, unless something happens for the two
friends to switch roles, whereby the one who had received help before
becomes the helper in a situation that puts the original helper at a
point of need. For example, the guy who paid his friend’s motel bill
gets evicted by his landlord and has to lodge with his friend who now
owns an apartment. Because of the usually one-sided nature of need-based
friendship, it is often not a simultaneously enjoyable experience for
both friends. Therefore, this form of friendship is often short-lived,
if the “needy” and the “savior” do not switch hats throughout the
relationship.
5. Interest-based friendship is one in which two friends share a
common interest, which may be sports, music, career path, books, movies,
travel, etc. This form of friendship is likely to terminate if one
person replaces the interest that formed the basis of the relationship.
For example, if you and I became friends primarily because we were
members of the same band, our friendship may bite the dust if our band
disbands. Interest-based friendship runs the risk of being very
superficial, though it can become deep and meaningful if the parties put
in the effort needed to keep it interesting.